Work’s been pretty slow today, so I’ve had a ton of time to kill. Once I ran out of decent new shows to watch on Hulu, I switched over to my Netflix account to check out some bad slasher flicks.

For one thing, watching the original Scream has shown me how decent the first Scary Movie was. Those guys really stuck to the source material they were trying to parody. It’s a real shame how damned awful parodies have become…

Anyway, why the fuck are Hollywood teenagers so fuck damn retarded? A guy calls your house and claims that he’s going to murder you and that the police will never get to you in time. Do you find a good, well fortified spot to hide and call the cops anyway, or do you stay on the phone and nervously pace back and forth in front of the GLASS patio door?

People! A kitchen knife, even a sharp one, is NOT an adequate weapon for self-defense. Maybe if you’re against an unarmed opponent, but what kind of jackass invades a house unarmed? Grab a baseball bat, a crowbar, a section of lead pipe… In a pinch, grab a fucking golf club.

At any rate, it’s my firm stance that most horror movie deaths can be avoided if every home is stocked with a twelve gauge. Teen slashers, rabid dogs, mutilated cultists, zombies, etc. - all can be taken out with a well placed shotgun blast.